Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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