Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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