my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
