Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
