Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
