The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
