I only kidnapped one of them. chill
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
