i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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