I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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