You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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