I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
