My room smells like vodka and shame
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
