FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
