It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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