Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
