I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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