turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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