My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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