direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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