I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
