Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
