Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
