Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
