I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
