I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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