There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
