I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
