Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
