You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
