He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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