Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
