I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Will exercising make me less horny?
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