He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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