I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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