so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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