Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
