Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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