Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
