Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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