Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
