he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
