highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
