Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
