In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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