You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
