I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
