Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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