that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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