He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
