Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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