when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
